New Year...New Goals

2012 came and went and I did not complete the goals that I set out to accomplish.  High expectations are something that I have for my students and for myself, yet I tend to cut myself so much slack that I don't hold myself accountable.  As an adult, I find it ridiculous, that I choose not to complete the tasks that I think will make me happy, but I also know that my physical space is limiting me and I did it to myself. 

Hoarders is on in the background as I am writing this, and I am sick to my stomach.  It is so hard for me to watch the show, yet I make myself watch.  I know what it takes to produce the show, how much prep work goes into getting all of the crew, port-a-potty, organizing boxes to the location, and the family to participate.  I see familiar faces every once in while and think about the camera men who are shooting the show (wondering if they're wearing their knee-high boots or not), and feel guilty for an hour straight (or two if I am watching on the DVR) while picking up my current mess.
I wish I felt different, but I'm not to that point yet. I thought I was going to be okay. I spent a lot of time and money in therapy after the visit, working with a personal organizer, unpacking the 100+ boxes that were left, donating and throwing out more "stuff" and I still failed.

I have made progress. I can go without shopping for weeks (and only visit the grocery store).  I have maintained my relationship with the boyfriend and we are very open about my on-going issues (we'll hit the 6 year mark at the end of this month).  I am good at my job and am a good teacher. I have accomplished plenty to be proud of, yet this "stuff" is my mountain that I need to move to get back to the normal that I want to live.

Being accountable is my goal for the year, which means I will be holding myself accountable using this blog.

Most people cannot relate to my problem with "stuff" and are quick to judge.  I judge myself enough as it is. I have a hard time understanding why, yet it is something that I have been around most of my life and live with.  Anxiety and money are huge pieces to this puzzle. It is what it is and this is where the "recovering" part comes into play.

More later this week...